A Politically Correct Red Riding Hood - James Finn Garner
Storyboard
(Personal Interpretation)
2017
Original Excerpt
A POLITICALLY CORRECT RED RIDING HOOD - JAMES FINN GARNER
Once there once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with
her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to
take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's
house -- not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the
deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community.
Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full
physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of
herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many
people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and
never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in
her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not
intimidate her.
On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf,,
who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful
snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of
herself as a mature adult."
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your
own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on
my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status
outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Westernstyle
thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He
burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action
for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid,
traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought
you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a
wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might
see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a
3 A Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and
certainly attractive in its own way."
"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out
of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring
her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent
tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of
her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopperperson (or log-fuel
technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the
cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his
ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to
him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your
thinking for you" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you
assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a
man's help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out
of the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his
head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt
a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative
household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived
together in the woods happily ever after.
